Mother please stop.

It scares me how I wish this semester won’t end

because right now

I just want to be far far away from family.

The girl in the Bus

Is it mocking me or telling me to let go and be free of thoughts?

Was supposed to meet someone after a briefing today in school but it was too much of a rush for him and I wasn’t in the mood either. Don’t really know why. I was so out of my zone/life. I missed two buses so I didn’t have to make small talk with people I know cause I guess I really wanted to be alone and on this cold lonely night in school (because a lot of people were heading home for the long weekend), I craved something warm. Not sure if i craved for something warm mentally or physically but either way I went to get myself a cup of hot drink and then boarded the school’s internal shuttle bus (the ones that goes in loops round the school).

I haven’t felt so lonely in awhile. Like I do have family and friends but I felt so detached somewhere. I can’t seem to find myself. I want alone time so bad, the peace and quietness but at the same time I just felt so lonely.

I wondered what I was doing with my life (now that hell week is over and everyone is getting started on their final projects), I sleep when the sun rises and wake up when it sets. I skip classes when I told myself I will not skip it. I just eat, watch my shows and sleep. My friends ask me to do work with them but I rather spend time alone in my hall watching my shows and being alone. And yet I complain about being lonely.

It’s so hard to describe this feeling but it’s really eating me alive.

After two rounds on the bus around the school (yes I took the bus over again; because I didn’t know what my next move was, I didn’t know anymore. Haven’t felt so lost;  like extremely lost in awhile.) I decided to pack up, leave hall and cab back to my grandparents place (despite knowing that it’s gonna burn a hole in my already burnt pockets).

Hopefully this long weekend (although I have a long weekend every week due to my timetable haha) will do me some good, find peace and perhaps regain some warmth (after all it’s Easter right?)

Probably one of the most memorable $29.35 spent.

Kong offered me a beer the moment I stepped in.

And he brought me for supper. (Steak plus more alcohol haha cute)

Misplaced

I misplaced my being in this world.

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My family isn’t family (it’s so hard to please everyone).

My friends are too busy for me (& I am busy being so envious of them, like every single one of them).

And I just wanna be lost and never be found.

I am falling much deeper into this black hole.

Personality Test

Internal Personality:

Have a fragile heart, want to do but afraid of getting hurt, have high expectations, but fear of loss, need warm encouragement. What you want is not really much, just want to find a person to understand it, and like the real you, then it’s enough.

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I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I’ll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

Don’t feel alone now,
Little baby.
Do you hear me singing you a song
I can’t wait to show you
Little baby
How to crawl
How to walk
And how to run

(I get to be the one – JJ Heller)

Never will I ever feel a mother’s love; never will my father understand

Anxiety, fears and exasperation

My heart keeps beating

My brain keeps working

Till no end

1. Failure of being part of society; somehow I lost the confidence to be around new people – just run and hide [fear]
2. Failure to meet up societal standards of how a girl should be – slim, fit, pretty -especially when everyone else around me is doing so [anxiety]
3. Failure of being the only one (within my group of friends) – ADM to my name – it’s like losing individuality [fear]
4. Failure to be better than some people – I don’t know why but there’s this group of people (unrelated to each other) – just them that I always want to be better than & it makes my life miserable because I can never be better than them [exasperation]